Look, let’s all get one thing straight, this isn’t a piece of cinematic masterpiece we’re talking about here, it’s Entourage. And sure, seasons 1-5 were basically the prime and the last few have been more ridiculous and kinda stupid like Jeremy Piven’s hair plugs but, also similar to Jeremy Piven’s face, I still kind of love it. Kind of.
So the premiere episode was Sunday (oh, wait, it’s Thursday, my bad boo, let’s hug it out) and boy was it depressing. We start off with Sloane calling E because he NEEDS to get his SHIT out of her SPACE. Intense. The pre-nup obviously didn’t go over so well and of course E is a tad sensitive, she mailed her $30K ring back in an envelope. WITHOUT PADDING. Bitch (jk girl, call me, love your work). It probably has a lot to do with the fact that he’s been working with Scott Caan the last season.
If you thought you knew a douche bag you didn’t because that award goes to character Scott Lavin (I also have a theory about actors who have to take parts where their characters have the same first name as themselves, it means they’re stupid). Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing personal, he’s not a terrible actor and maybe we’re supposed to hate him, because, I kind of hate him. If I knew my fiance had to be around this guy all the time I might break up with him too.
Anyway, we also find out that Vinny is coming home! and he called everyone but E to come pick him up! Even Scott can’t-remember-my-character’s-name-so-I-have-to-have-the-same-name Caan! Sad face. E is obviously pissed off. Johnny is at home trying to scour the house for any traces of alcohol or drugs before Vince returns from rehab while Turtle is being Turtle, except skinnier and still adorable, in a “aw-man, I really wanted to smoke weed today!” type of way.
We cut to Ari and his son Jonah who is acting like the typical child of separated parents and skipping school to see his dad in his glass office. Except he’s not really acting at all. A lesser person would tell the small tyke, “your parents are separated because you can’t act well in a major HBO show” but not me. Anyway, Ari takes him home and we find out a bombshell, Mrs. Ari is seeing someone else! *gasp!*
(because who needs first names when you have a smoking body and awesome clothes)
On the other side of rich people land aka LA, Vince is leaving rehab, telling some cliche speech but before he exits, another person in rehab offers to bang him right there and another person tells him to work on the script for their new movie idea!! He then exits to quite possibly the worst gathering of extras I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
(img via videogum)
Not only for just overt, shitty acting (I think they hired the same acting coach as little Jonah Gold) but also for the shear amount of hatred I built for them over a span of 4.2 seconds. Which is weird because I normally don’t care that the really attractive fuck buddies they usually have around the characters are terrible actors but maybe I expected something better from extras in a scene waiting for Vinny Chase to come out of rehab. Call me crazy.
MOVING ON, the boys take Vinny out to lunch and are obviously walking on egg shells so as not to hurt his delicate, post-rehab soul and don’t want to tell him that his shitty movie idea for trapped miners (no not the Chilean ones) is almost just as terrible as this opening episode of Entourage.
E can feel the tension between his bromance with Vince and he’s harboring sads from Sloane and Ari is harboring sads from Mrs. Ari and Turtle is harboring sads because he can’t smoke weed and I’m harboring sads because maybe I’m starting to realize that I’m just hate-watching this show and I do not love-watching this show.
The rest of the episode continues in typical Entourage fashion, the guys throw a (non-alcoholic) party with lots of hot babes but are still freaking out over Vince’s delicate nature and in the end Turtle lights the house on fire because he was getting high (insert Shaggy song?). But Billy Walsh came to the party so it kind of improved the show by 24.2% by my calculations.
The boys agree to be real with Vince and Vince agrees to not date Sasha Grey, I mean smoke crack any more and all is lovely. Except for the fact that Ari is sad and the house is on fire. BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK?!?!?
oh I guess THIS is a hint.
Join me while I recap the entire season (hopefully a little sooner after the episode but no promises)!